Recently, I went with my daughter to the rite-of-passage ritual known as the fifth grade maturation program. It was held in the library, with about 50 fifth grade girls and their parents (I would have said moms, but there were a few very brave dads there). Let me tell you what happened:
about 15 minutes into the presentation, I kept thinking "Why is it so hot in here??"
Nurse "... when all the fluid comes out, that's a period."
Me "it is like, one thousand degrees in this library, why is nobody else sweating?"
Nurse ".... eggs released from the ovaries..."
Me to my friend sitting next to me " Karin, I think I'm going to pass out..."
Karin "Really?" (Karin isn't sure if I'm joking, after all, what grown up passes out at the mention of ovaries?)
....BLACKNESS.....
The next recollection I have is of waking up on the floor of the library, looking up at the ceiling, with my feet up on my friend Karin's lap (good thing I wasn't wearing a skirt, THAT would have been embarrassing!). A number of strange faces are peering down at me, with concerned looks on their faces. Oh, and I have a water-soaked maxi pad on my forehead. 'Cause they didn't have a cool washcloth.
My daughter is kneeling by my head, with tears running down her face. And the nurse apparently hasn't missed a beat, because she is talking about how to use a tampon.
After I ate a banana the sweet librarian offered me, I sat back up on the chair, put my arm around my daughter, who thought I was having some sort of seizure, and tried to act as if I had just dropped my cell phone on the floor.
But the minute I registered what the nurse was talking about, I felt the blackness sneaking up on my peripheral vision. So before I could pass out again, I excused myself, and my daughter and I walked around the hallway until the whole thing was over.
After my daughter went back to class, the nurse asked me if it was my daughter who had passed out. "Uh, no." I said uncomfortably, "That was me." "Oh," she said, "Well, some people are just fainters." Hoping for some validation, I asked "So does this happen a lot? People passing during the program?" "Well," Said she, " I've had girls faint before, but I don't remember a parent ever doing it...."
So now my daughter is traumatized (because she said I had 'crazy eyes' and I was out for about a minute, and she thought they were going to have to take me to the hospital), and I don't know if I can actually handle a face to face talk with her about that stuff. Good thing I already told my mom she was going to have to step up for that. And also take my other daughter to her maturation program in 2 years. 'Cause I'm pretty sure I shouldn't be allowed to go back.
I would like to say that it was a fluke, that I was sick, or hadn't eaten that morning. But the truth is, this has happened to me before. When I was in high school, I passed out in class when the teacher was talking about the process of labor. She said "mucous plug" and before I could ask to go to the bathroom, I fainted right there in class. I can't really listen to people's health stories (especially if it involves the female reproductive system), because it makes me feel faint. I can't help it, I was born this way.
While I recognize that telling this story is REALLY EMBARRASSING for me, I also recognize that it is DANG HILARIOUS. So I hope you laughed when you read this. And also that you felt bad for Brynnlee.
